Being Lonely...Gets Lonely

Okay so this is going to be totally different from what I normally complain about. I don't know.. I suddenly felt the urge to get out all of my depressing feelings and thoughts. I can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes I feel...like being alone and I push everyone away. Other times I want to go out.. you know be the life of the party. Hang out with all of my friends...you know teenage stuff. But then I realize that nobody wants to hang out with me because I've pushed them away. It's so hard for me because I always have these internal arguments. Should I text this person...or should I call. Nvm they don't want to talk to me because I'm weird. I make stupid jokes...my hair is ugly...I don't dress like them..and oh, don't forget I'm much bigger then all of them...wait maybe they like me for me..I'm funny..I smell good and I have a great smile...but my nails are never done...etc. You see the point?

I push people away because I don't want them to judge me. I don't want to be right about what I think they say about me behind my back....and that is why I am lonely. I mean everyone needs their alone time right? But nobody needs their alone time all the time. It's depressing. I mean maybe I just need to suck it up and keep on trucking? I'm self sabotaging my own social life. I mean at least I can admit that. I want to fix it but I just don't know how. I mean for Christ sake I tried to push my bestfriend away! Why? Because I feel like she likes her other friend more than me. I feel threatened. I find one good person who I can be totally weird with, without getting judged, and here comes someone else stealing her from me.

So I started pushing. Being rude. Not responding back to her texts. Anything to make her go away. And now I feel alone. I mean she still talks to me but I feel like she's doing it because she feels bad. I feel bad. I make myself lonely..I completely understand that but it's hard to not push after I've been pushing for so long. Ahh there's no use in complaining. Who's gonna even read this crap and care to comment? Anybody? Oh, no one? I didn't think so.




Going to cuddle with my puppy now....Forever Alone....Literally.

Foolish little girl

           Wow. Looking back on those old blog entries made me laugh and made me a little sad. I've realized how stupid I sounded. Like I was love struck over a boy I knew nothing about. And for what? Because he was cute? Because he had nice teeth and a perfect smile? Or even because he had a nice, firm buttocks. I have no idea. It could be all three of those things. 

           I feel stupid for how obsessive and crazy I acted. I should've tried a different approach instead of staring at him like a psycho (currently laughing at all the times he caught me staring). I mean he does ride my bus after all. Maybe he'll get on the bus and it'll be so crowded that he'll have no other choice but to pop a squat next to me. Yeah, wishful thinking.

          But on to better things! My summer has been awesome so far! I've traveled, spent many nights with friends, and I've even re-connected with a childhood friend of mine! With one more month left of summer I plan on making the best of it before the very dreaded 1st day of school of my Junior year (September 4th, just in case if you're wondering). Hello August...Bye bye July!








Tyler+Me=Maybe?

Tyler, who?

After what happend on Tuesday, all respect I had for him was thrown out the window. Still disgusted by this. I know I shouldn't be upset  but he could've atleast dated a girl who doesn't have a reputation for being with the whole freshman class. I would've perferred one of my friends over her! Ha ha I can't even deal right now. School is almost over (4 days left) so maybe I'll have a summer fling. Wish me luck!

Tyler.....Who?

Day Ruined!

Tyler has a freaking GIRLFRIEND!!! Like I seriously cannot even deal right now. And its some hoe! So I definantly don't have a chance.

She's easy so why would he want someone like me? I'm not easy. I like to know a person before I stick my tounge in his mouth. I'm seriously so disgusted and annoyed.

I just seriously want to go home. I really liked this kid and he decided to date a tramp? I mean I am perfect for him! Well atleast I thought I was. I never win in these situations. Ugh!!!!!!!

Why Tyler? I hate you!!

Small talk

Ahhh we had our first little "small talk" today. It was akward but it left me in knots for the rest of that block...and the rest of the day. Okay so I was sitting there doing my warm-ups with my friends. He turned around and smiled at us and said "Hello ladies" . Lawd jesus I'm trying to type this without shaking.

But anyways we all said hey back and then he was like "How are y'all doing today?". I didn't respond  because I was too in awe of his smile. His perfectly white and straight teeth (anyone that knows me, knows I love a boy with some nice teeth!). His cocoa brown skin tone. His curly hair and my God his deep voice!

Anyways then he asked me how was I doing and I said "I'm good, thank you" (at this time I was smiling like a complete idiot!)  Then I asked him how was he doing and he said "I'm great, thank you". Ahhh he so fine.

Even though it was a very very quick conversation I feel good about it. Like maybe the next time we talk it'll be longer or something. I don't know. But after today my hopes have gone sky high. Maybe I can build up the courage to tell Tyler how I feel.

Maybe Tyler is starting to notice me?

Basketball Wife, maybe?

Tyler is so good at playing basketball. I wish you guys could see him run up and down the court. I mean he really puts his everything in it and I can tell it's his passion.

Maybe one day when I'm his we can talk about his basketball career and our future. I think I need a push to make this boy mine. This is gonna be tough but I'm gonna ask my friends for help! I want to be a basketball wife. His basketball wife.

Why won't you notice me Tyler?

Another day wasted

I can't build up the courage to talk to this boy. I wish it could be like some romantic scene out of a movie or something. You know when the girl is not that popular and kinda invisible, but the cute popular guy is curious about her beacause she's quiet and intriguing. And one day he bumps into her which makes her drop her books. He then bends down to pick up her books and they bump heads. They both laugh and then stare into eachothers eyes, knowing that they were made for eachother. *sigh* Why can't this happen to me? Why can't Tyler just catch on already. I mean helllllooooo! I'm here. In your face. The angel sent from heaven for you so um come talk to me.

I wasted a whole day just staring and wondering. Hoping that if  I stared at him long enough he would look back at me...And maybe even smile. My friends, Melanie and Isabella, offered to help but I turned it down quickly. Either I get this boy on my own (which most likely won't happen) or not have him at all. Right now my chances are slim to NONE.

Why won't you just notice me Tyler.