Okay so this is going to be totally different from what I normally complain about. I don't know.. I suddenly felt the urge to get out all of my depressing feelings and thoughts. I can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes I feel...like being alone and I push everyone away. Other times I want to go out.. you know be the life of the party. Hang out with all of my friends...you know teenage stuff. But then I realize that nobody wants to hang out with me because I've pushed them away. It's so hard for me because I always have these internal arguments. Should I text this person...or should I call. Nvm they don't want to talk to me because I'm weird. I make stupid jokes...my hair is ugly...I don't dress like them..and oh, don't forget I'm much bigger then all of them...wait maybe they like me for me..I'm funny..I smell good and I have a great smile...but my nails are never done...etc. You see the point?
I push people away because I don't want them to judge me. I don't want to be right about what I think they say about me behind my back....and that is why I am lonely. I mean everyone needs their alone time right? But nobody needs their alone time all the time. It's depressing. I mean maybe I just need to suck it up and keep on trucking? I'm self sabotaging my own social life. I mean at least I can admit that. I want to fix it but I just don't know how. I mean for Christ sake I tried to push my bestfriend away! Why? Because I feel like she likes her other friend more than me. I feel threatened. I find one good person who I can be totally weird with, without getting judged, and here comes someone else stealing her from me.
So I started pushing. Being rude. Not responding back to her texts. Anything to make her go away. And now I feel alone. I mean she still talks to me but I feel like she's doing it because she feels bad. I feel bad. I make myself lonely..I completely understand that but it's hard to not push after I've been pushing for so long. Ahh there's no use in complaining. Who's gonna even read this crap and care to comment? Anybody? Oh, no one? I didn't think so.
Going to cuddle with my puppy now....Forever Alone....Literally.
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